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The Return of Food Inspector Cat

Early this morning, Seth rolled me out of bed to see something, "disturbing but also adorable". When I trudged into the kitchen, a small grey creature was sitting above our kitchen cabinets (the world's most ignored dust trap) making angry noises at all and sundry. My perfect, beautiful cat had probably gone up there to check for breakfast. My perfect, beautiful husband had to grab a cat throwing a small tantrum while trying to avoid his reach (only Seth is tall or long-armed enough to get to the top of the kitchen cabinets).

We haven't yet figured out if a) Dorian hopped up there and got "stuck in a tree", which means both us humans didn't hear him crying for a bunch of hours or b) Dorian hopped up there and could get down perfectly fine on his own; he was yelling at us so we wouldn't bring him down.

I do know that previous to this, I've found treat bags I had safely stored on top of the fridge with its innards ripped out on the floor. Yesterday, he tried to supplement his diet by tearing a hole in a new bag of dry polenta I left on the dining table. A couple of weeks ago, he managed to pry our dried goods cupboard by jumping onto the counter and pushing out the cupboard door with his...paw? Head? Who knows? And we found a ravaged bag of dried anchovies, a broken bag of unpopped popcorn and cat sick probably as a result of trying to eat unpopped popcorn. He likes popcorn. Popcorn is the best, next to pizza, and whatever else I'm eating, because stuff I eat tastes good.

When cr0wgrrl and spouse showed up at our address with meat buns and strawberry sponge cake roll, Food Inspector Cat pattered right up, stood with his face on her knee and tried to nip the meat bun from her hands. He spent the next two or three hours trying to sneak away with a slice of strawberry sponge cake roll when we weren't looking. This is possibly more entertaining than it should be. The farthest he got was getting a slice close to the edge of the table while I was on my laptop.

He is also fully cognizant that items like pizzas and sandwiches require both hands and my mouth to eat. I don't have to pinch off a piece for him, even, he can just nibble the other end of whatever it is I have. My mouth is occupied, so I can't warn him off. I need both hands to operate the average American pizza slice, so I can't shove him away. Naturally, if Seth happens to walk by while this is occurring, Dorian switches back to being a perfectly gentlemanly loaf next to my plate. Such a perfectly gentlemanly loaf is fully capable of looking up at us with loving eyes and wait until we are done with our portion of the food before nibbling the leftovers. He doesn't even mind if he has to lick our bowls clean. This is one of his free services, apart from intense kitten masseuse sessions. He loves us so much. And my Rice Krispies too.


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March 2019
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