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January 19th's Gothic.Net Story

Which, yes, I programmed in time. I was rather worried I wouldn't be able to with all the things that's happened this week, and the studying, but it's there. Lisa von Biela's Riptide worked for me on a very personal level. It reminds me, almost a little too much, of my own shortcomings as the older sibling with a special needs younger brother. It also reminds me of a certain kind of control I've always wanted but always managed to avoid - the one that puts my life in my own hands. I'm not sure, but I think it's a sort of control people do sort of universally want but avoid, because having your own life in your own hands means that much responsibility. I don't have that much responsibility, probably because of my own cowardice. I envy the people who do, the ones who manage to do with their lives what they wanted, whether it was to live to the fullest or, as in this story, end it with their own hands. As always, I humbly request your support for both our writers and the magazine. Please visit Gothic.net. Your reads, thoughts and patronage will always be welcomed.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 19th, 2004 07:43 am (UTC)

My experience with control issues is that, the people who most want control are only interested in controlling other people's lives and not their own. ;) It's the nature of the beast.

I wouldn't be hard on yourself about any perceived shortcomings when it comes to dealing with your brother. Hell, I wanted to throttle him when I read what happened in the mall! ;) But seriously, speaking from personal experience with my disabled sister, you would have to be a saint/psychologist/nurse to handle that with complete grace. It's really tough. My parents choose to take care of my sister, which, in my opinion, is largely a mistake. It's pretty hard on them, but they won't give up...you guessed it...control. :)
Jan. 19th, 2004 09:30 pm (UTC)
Re: Control
I want control over me enough to have the strength to haul myself over a balcony if I needed to, but that's not enough of a fight. I want the strength to get away from my family, which implies not running away but making the best use of my resources now and earning my way out, which is enough of a fight, but I'm too lazy and weak to really pursue this course as much as I want to. It's a self-inflicted sort of torture which probably is unecessary stress, but is really the only thing that keeps me walking these days.

Parents, unfortunately, are like that. They want the best for their kids, often at the expense of themselves. It's actually a trait that I quite respect, but I don't respect the kids who take advantage of that.
Jan. 20th, 2004 11:52 am (UTC)
Strength, Will

You'll develop the strength you need in the right time. When you're ready, it'll happen. :) At least, that's my experience. Also, keep in mind that the extra stress robs you of strength and keeps you tired or "lazy." It's a vicious cycle.
Jan. 22nd, 2004 05:39 am (UTC)
Re: Strength, Will
It is. What doesn't help is how shutting down really does eventually become habitual. Like the little things. You know you want to mop the floor, do the laundry, feed, write, but you can't get out of bed. You can't, and you're either crying or hating yourself, during which sleep sets in precisely so you'll stop doing that, and people see this and think you're just trying to sleep to slack off. It gets to a point where you can't tell if you really are just being lazy or being troubled, and that feeds the loathing.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )