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A Day in the Life of Food Inspector Cat

You would think that Food Inspector Cat has an easy life, tasting all dishes and licking his chops, but no! Tasting and supervising the vast array of mystical human foods is an arduous task, requiring attention to detail and adherence of ancient cat rituals. Consider the appearance of the Custard Tart, a holy relic that requires careful monitoring of its progress throughout the house, and a dedicated cat detail to usher its coming. Or that most sacred of mystical human foods, The Fish. Truly, no food demands attention more vigorously than The Fish. Every step in its cooking process has to be carefully inspected for quality, preferably with a choice tasting. If The Fish makes its appearance in a magical cat food-shaped can, a gathering of cats must be held, and cries raised to the heavens in demand gratitude. When The Fish is finally carried to its resting place, all cats must follow in procession. Then, gathered before Its Most Marinated Platter, it is up to Food Inspector Cat to liberate negotiate the Sacred Cat Tithe.

This is a patient game, wherein he must alternatively sit and wait for the right opportunity, while never letting up bargaining for his price. Constantly, he must sniff the offerings to exhibit great interest in the various fine foods available. It is customary to space much sniffing with more patient waiting, feet tucked daintily inwards, while blinking soothingly at the humans present. When the humans appear unwavering, he lets out a curious paw into the platter space, moving food towards his general direction to indicate that negotiations are not yet over. On rare occasion, he must fight for his tithe, using his great charm and speed to escape a most undignified hugging.

Long after every crumb has been ingested, it is up to Food Inspector Cat to ensure nothing goes to waste. Every accessible plate, bowl, spoon, fork, chopstick and frying pan must be inspected for leftovers. Every drop of sauce must be accounted for.

And as his final duty of the day, Food Inspector Cat must mingle with and cajole the Food Giver into another day of many sacred cat tastings, for his task is as much about diplomacy as it is wiliness. Using finely honed skills in Traditional Cat Medicine, he massages the Food Giver's spleen for good digestion, and kneads endlessly in a 12' by 12" radius, ensuring that at least something in the house is perfectly, utterly, spongy soft for no apparently good reason. Thus, we live in balance, Food Inspector Cat and I.

Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
yoshio
Dec. 13th, 2012 01:46 pm (UTC)
That was great!

I think of my cats more as mobster-extortionist types. They always seem to be saying, "I'd really like some of that and it would be a real shame if something happen to this rug/glass/shoe/etc."

Edited at 2012-12-13 03:33 pm (UTC)
vampyrichamster
Dec. 13th, 2012 07:33 pm (UTC)
Aw, thanks!

The mobster policy is how Food Inspector Cat feels when he is hungry and bored, and there is no food about. Things are always falling off my desk as a result.
desertwolf
Dec. 13th, 2012 03:57 pm (UTC)
Apparently, I was a food inspector cat in a previous life and given my taste in foody goodness it must have been a lower-class home. :oP
vampyrichamster
Dec. 13th, 2012 07:34 pm (UTC)
Wolfie! Hee! 8:o)=
countlibras
Dec. 13th, 2012 06:06 pm (UTC)
haha, I love it.
vampyrichamster
Dec. 13th, 2012 07:34 pm (UTC)
I swear this cat has virtually my taste in food, proving that he is indeed my little boy.
feyandstrange
Dec. 14th, 2012 02:34 am (UTC)
I can hear the soprano chorus of "Fiiiiiiish!" in my ears now. And although I haven't had a cat in years I still can't open a tin of tuna without thinking "And now I must drain the liquid and give it to the cat."

When my lady cat was in a kennel for several months owing to the then-arduous UK rabies quarantine, she somehow persuaded the professional cat carers that she was too good to eat the tinned food we'd provided, and should instead be hand-fed fresh shrimp daily.
vampyrichamster
Dec. 14th, 2012 06:03 am (UTC)
Hahaha. :) Now that's a cat of discerning taste.

The cats are very good at reminding us how any canned fish juice needs to be shared. They get terribly disappointed our tuna sandwiches are not community meals.
mokie
Dec. 15th, 2012 01:59 pm (UTC)
That is one professional Food Inspector Cat. I've never seen such dedication!
vampyrichamster
Dec. 16th, 2012 11:28 pm (UTC)
He is dedicated, that is true. I feel a little sometimes like I am constantly being watched for signs of food...
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )